Jake

My father in law died on July 22, my birthday. There is some irony in that. My mother died on my ex's birthday. Anyway, Jake, my father in law, went out on his own terms. He wanted no medical intervention and to die at home. He died from sepsis due to an ulceration on his leg caused by poor, if any, circulation. As much as he could get you mad, you have to smile when you think of him. He was always teasing and he took it as well as he dished it out. I think "My Way" would be a good theme song for him. He did things his way, and did not tolerate any contradictions from his family. Stubborn old coot. As sad as not having him anymore can be, we just tell a story and laugh. His nickname, besides Jake, was Grumpy. And he earned it. There was a sign above his bedroom door that said "Dont wake up grumpy, let him sleep". So, now he is sleeping and his family misses him. We will be having a celebration of his life in a couple of weeks. I am sure he will want to know who attends. Here's to you Jake. And I will never forget the anniversary of your death.

My family

My wife's father is in the last few days of his life. He lives about 150 miles away from his family. His choice, not theirs. Not to elaborate or cause hard feelings, but he had an agenda for his life and pretty much stuck to it. The end phase of his life has given me the impetus to think about my parents and our lives together. Mum died in 2001 but Pops is still here, as my earlier post says. Our, my siblings and I, parents taught us a lot of things growing up. Most lessons were unspoken. They showed us how to love and be loved. It sounds corny until you realize that others never got that lesson and how much they missed. My father never blew off a day of work in his life. He had to be near death to stay home sick. In fact, I cant recall him being sick unless he was hospitalized. Otherwise, flu, colds or whatever, went to the mill with him. My Mum kissed me goodnite every night that I lived in her home. I lived in her home the first 6 months I was married, but I still got that kiss. I remember on special Friday nights when Dad would bring home an 8 cut plain pizza from Macko's. There were 4 of us in the house, but Mum would somehow always get full on one slice, so her youngest son could fill up with 3 slices. Probably pissed off my sister, but she was the youngest.

I guess we dont realize these things until it is way too late, but tonight I got to tell Pops what a great job they did showing us how to love each other. I guess one plus side to cancer is that you can be honest and not give a shit about what anyone else thinks. I hope my kids know how much I love them, because, just like I was raised, the word love wasnt spoken, love was shown. And I know my wife knows I how much I love her, because I always remind her. Just in case.

So, here I am being open about my feelings. I dont think I have ever let anyone peek behind the curtain, so this has been quite theraputic. Thanks for reading.

The hardest part so far...

This trip all started in February with my doc telling me my PSA was up and to see a urologist. ( Any English majors can tell me if that is an urologist?). It took quite a while from that point to get to the doctor to schedule the biopsy and get the report. The entire time, I was not telling my father anything. I figured it would all come back negative, and with him being 85, he didnt need to worry about something we were not sure of. The crucial part of this was also keeping some of my siblings in the dark, as they have in the past 'ratted' me out. This goes back to the time in high school when I forgot and left a box of condoms on my parents kitchen table. But that is another blog unto itself. So, last week, I made the trip down to tell my father about my cancer. He knew I was coming down, but not why. When I got there, he was sitting on an ice pack for his back. So I sat across from him in the living room and we just shot the breeze for a few minutes while I kept asking myself "How am I going to do this?". So, I just blurted out "I have some news Dad. I have prostate cancer.". He took a couple of seconds and repeatedly muttered f$*k, f$*k for a bit. It took about half an hour to calm him down and by then, one of the aforementioned siblings dropped in so that diversion brought him down to almost normal. Pops being 85 has been slipping a bit lately. He can become confused at times, and like his youngest son, he forgets a bit. So telling him this was probably, no definitely, the most difficult conversation we ever had. I thought telling him my high school girlfriend was pregnant was the toughest conversation. ( those damn condoms on the table again). That conversation was a day at the beach compared to this one. My father often told me that he wished his father lived longer so he could just ask him questions and talk to him. I used to think that was pretty profound. Now, I am wondering if I will live to an age where my kids will come to me with bad news. I certainly hope not. Anyway, Pops seems to have calmed down, so that is good. Since then we have found out that my father in law has only about 2 weeks or so to live, and has just begun hospice. If God meant that as a distraction to my wife and I from my illness, it worked, just not for the better. So now I worry about my wife and the impact of all of this on her health. Not sure what will happen from here on, but stop back for late breaking developments.

Decision Time

I saw the doctor on June 30. He spent about 1 hour explaining the disease, and the various types of treatments. Treatment ranges from doing nothing, hormone therapy, radiation, and radical surgery. Doing nothing is an option for a man who is most likely of an age where he will die of old age or something else, so being 55, that one was a no brainer. Hormone therapy presents symptoms of female menopause. I can see the many battles between me and my menopausal wife....the marriage would never last. Radiation sounded ok, but the reoccurrence rate 10 years out begins to increase substantially over the final option. Surgery naturally is the most frightening but probably the best way to successfully remove the cancer provided it is confined to the prostate. Oh yeah, radiation and surgery have about a 20 to 30 percent chance of some side effects.....impotence and incontinence. So, kids, whats the old man to do? Well after a few days of deliberation, several cocktails and many hours of discussion with my wife, we are going for the surgery. She says she wants me here, even if I am not completely functional, as opposed to the other option. The doctor says that I have a 10 year life expectancy if I do nothing. This cancer is a very slow growing disease, but when it metasticises it goes into the spine, lungs, brain....well you get the picture. I had a dream about my grandkids last night. We were laughing and playing. I am sure this was an affirmation of my decision being the correct one. I called the doc on July 3 and told him I chose the surgery. We will make the arrangements on Monday, July 7 for the procedure.

As I go along with this part of my life, I will post info on what is going on with my treatment.

I caught cancer....now what

In March of 2008, I was told my PSA score ( Prostate Specific Antigen ) was elevated and that I should see a specialist. This had happened three or four years ago and they did another blood test and all was well. At that time, my psa was 4.2. This time it was 6.8, still not that high, with 3 being normal. I made an appointment with a specialist....it took 2 months to get in to see him. He told me I had to have a biopsy....it took another month and a half to schedule the biopsy. It only took one week to get the results.....I had cancer. I want to keep this blog to track my adventure with this disease. I also want to share this experience with my friends and family, especially my children. I especially want to keep this blog for me. I still have flashes of "oh, that was just a dream" phenoma so as we go along, it will be interesting for me to monitor how my perspective changes. This may be a bit narcissistic, but hell, I caught cancer.